What a Difference a Year Makes

One year ago today, Jay and I officially lost our first child. We had known that our baby was no longer living for a few, extremely painful, days, but on October 12, 2009, I had a D&C and our pregnancy was officially over.

I don't think I will ever forget the feeling of pure agony and sadness that I felt as we drove home after the procedure. Until that moment it really had not hit me that it was all over. I cried uncontrollably. I had no idea what to do next, how I was just supposed to move on, go back to work, function normally and try again, knowing that I would be risking experiencing this pain again if I did. Nothing could have possibly prepared me for the devastation that I felt.

Very slowly, I started to feel like myself again. But I don't think that anyone who has gone through that experience is ever really the same again. It is not something that is possible to forget. But, I gradually went from thinking about our loss every minute of every day to every hour, to a few times a day and now I think about it probably every other day, but the feelings are not as raw.

Today, one year after our loss, Jay and I are so incredibly happy to be where we are. We are only a few weeks away from welcoming our son into this world and have never been so excited about anything before. And, while neither of us believes that bad things happen for a reason, we do believe that people have the ability to find some good in a bad situation.

Because of what we went through, we have absolutely no doubt that we are ready to be parents. We appreciate how lucky we are in a way we never would have before. We are more sensitive to other people who have experienced a loss or had trouble trying to have children. We are truly grateful for what we have. It is a lot harder to feel sorry for yourself when you are stuck at home on a beautiful day due to bed rest when you went through hell just to get (and stay) pregnant in the first place.

When Jay and I finally decided we were ready to try to start a family in July of 2009, I never would have guessed that we would have this experience. I certainly would never have guessed that my body would either be pregnant, or be recovering from a pregnancy for over a year before I would actually have a baby to take home. But I have a feeling that when we finally meet our little Joaquin, we will know that this was all worth it.