I have 8 more day of maternity leave.
I am extremely lucky to have had this time with Joaquin. Most people get between 6 and 12 weeks of leave, of which most is unpaid. So, five months leave is very generous. I know that.
But.... sigh. It is going to be very hard.
It's not that I don't want to work. I thought I might dread the working part a lot more than I actually do. It's that I don't want to leave Joaquin. I am actually looking forward to certain aspects of returning to work. I'll be honest - I'm mostly looking forward to my paychecks. But, I am also looking forward to being around adults during the day and feeling like I have a life outside the house. Plus, two of the most incredible women I have ever met and had the fortune to become friends with will be at work.
But, in my perfect world (you know, the one that WILL NEVER exist except in my wildest, craziest fantasies), I would go back to work for about 25 hours a week, rather than double that (and sometimes more). Unfortunately, I have chosen a career that really doesn't allow that sort of schedule, even in the most flexible of circumstances. It's sort of all-or-nothing when it comes to corporate law. After all, I can't really imagine a client being thrilled to post-pone a multi-million dollar merger because I only want to work five hours a day.
So, here I am, near the end of what my friend's husband has dubbed "the vacation of a lifetime", about to go from 0 to 60 in about 10 seconds.
Mixed feelings abound.
One the one hand, my mom worked full time when I was a baby and still does today and I turned out pretty well (if I do say so myself). I am independent, self-motivated and have never once doubted that I could do anything I wanted. I have never worried about my ability to shatter any glass ceiling that came my way. I admire my mom for being successful both inside and outside the home and have always thought she set a great example for me. I want to teach Joaquin (and his future sibling(s), if all goes as planned) that women are just as capable as men at achieving in the workplace. Plus, I think working will keep my brain sharp. I never want to be one of those women who cannot go twenty minutes without talking about their kids and I am definitely headed down that path.
On the other hand, it makes me so sad to think that there will be days (and I'm sure they will be more frequent than I would like to imagine right now) when I only get to see Joaquin for a brief period in the morning and I get home after he is asleep for the night. And that will kill me.
But, no matter how I feel about it all, I will be back at work next Friday. And I am sure everything will be fine. At least, that is what I have to believe.
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I remember when I dropped you off at 6 weeks old to a lady I barely knew in the graduate student apartment complex at MIT on the 24th floor. I cried the entire elevator ride down.The elevator was full and i though they were going tohave call 911 for me. It was so hard but it got easier every day. While everyone has their opinion about working moms, you will do what you need to do for you and your family. You are so very right about you turning out pretty good, you are amazing. I love you more than life and never for one minute felt my job was more important. I do have a passion for my work and find it has helped me be both a better person and a better mom. You have so many talents. Hopefully you will find a happy balance to it all but don't expect to find it the first week back at work. Give yourself time and room. Be kind and forgiving to your self too. Joaquin is lucky to have such great parents. I am so proud of you. Life is so beautiful in my daughter's eyes. Thank you for giving me purpose and drive to be my best everyday. I love you, Mom
ReplyDeleteWe'll be great, hon. We'll experience some bumps, but we'll be great. I love you. JAY
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